And My Heart Still Beats Your Name

Life sucks…

Every birthday and every holiday sucks. Every single one. Because I spend time with friends or family and my mom isn’t there. I mean I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, so holidays weren’t really celebrated. But now that I left the religion, the holidays are just there and I’m pretty much forced to spend it with my family. And it sucks cuz I see all my little cousins having fun with their mom and mine isn’t there. I mean I don’t only want her back for presents or for the holidays, it’s just that around this time I’m more reminded that she’s not here. My birthday is in 4 days and I’m gonna be 22 and she won’t be there. When I graduate, she won’t be there. When I get married, she won’t be there. If I ever have kids, she’ll never see them. It fucking sucks. Why’d it have to be her? Not fucking fair. And here I am stuck with my fucking aunt who unlike my mother can’t cook to save her life. Doesn’t know how to love either. It sucks when you grow up with a loving mother who cooks like she’s the chef of a restaurant, hugs you all the time, make sure you’re fed all the time, and is actually interested in how your day went. I know I’m 22 and I could simply cook for myself and care for myself, which I do, but it’s nice to have those things once in a while. I thank my aunt for giving me a roof to live under but I CANNOT WAIT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I hate it here and I hate her sometimes too, and I’m not one to throw around the word hate often.